September 25, 2005

Sex in the Bible Pt 2

The theory that when men have their physical needs makes for happier men who are willing to do just about anything might explain why my own husband can be so lovey-dovey and accomodating after sex. Now, I don't think Stormie was implying that a woman should have sex with their husbanads to get what they want. Nor do I think that is a good reason to have sex. I think the fact that the wife also has a pure need is being overlooked here. Either she's never experienced 'mind blowing' sex, she's too shy or inhibited, there's a medical problem, or her husband is not attending to her needs as well.

Let me add that unless a women learns what she likes, and tells him, how will he fully know how to satisfy her? Sex should not be a chore. If a person believe's it's something God made for a married couple to enjoy, and experience oneness, it's not going to happen if only men are allowed to be viewed as having a 'need' or needing a 'physical release'.

Studies show both men and women benefit from regular, orgasmic sex. We're happier, live longer, and have more energy. I think part of the deterent is how difficult it can be for some women to be a super mom by day, and sex kitten by night. Some of us have never even come to believe they can be saucy and still be a "proper" and "wholesome", quilt-making, cookie-baking, boo-boo kissing mommy.

That is why I love S Factor website. I bought Sheila's book, and I must say, it truly is a good work-out. If you need to give your sense of sensuality a jump start her book might be helpful. We're all different though and nothing works for everyone. In her book, Stormie continues to tout the importance of making sex a priority in the marriage. "Whether all conditions are perfect or whether you feel like it or not isn't the point. The point is meeting the needs of your husband and keeping communicaiton lines open." I realize this is a book for women, about their husbands, but oh dear, oh my.

Not sure what to say here. Yes, I agree. I also object. I think the keeping communication lines open should happen before meeting the needs of your husband, even if you don't feel like it part. If the wife habitually doesn't feel like it, then I think having sex, just to meet the needs of the other will breed resentment. Unless the woman doesn't have major intimacy issues and she has a biblical attitude that at those times she's not meeting his needs, out of love. It's a fine line though when you look at 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5. I think there is this inbalance going on.

Where you hear the mantra that sex is good, we were made to enjoy each other, to produce a family, to experience intimacy. Yet, still, so many still view it as just a little bit dirty. In a marriage, communication is so crucial. To get past our hang ups and be able to really let go and have fun. I really do think there are too many women that resist their sexuality and sell themselves short in this area for reasons other then time, fatique, and hormones. It has often been thought sex is for men. None of these reasons were discussed in that bible study group I attended.

Behind the eyes of all those women I saw questions, concerns, and the urge to raise their hand. Too much embarrassment and awkwardness likely kept most from speaking up. That Bible study was extremely quiet, quick, and mechanical. Probably much like some of the sex lives of couples all over. Unless, their sex lives were absolutely fabulous and they didn't feel the need to share how wonderful it was, and pass around any tips. If that's the case, how stingy of them. When a woman did share some of her thoughts, you could hear how uncomfortable and unsure she felt.

In Christian groups like that, we often water down our questions and our responses are very generic. Most of us are aware that many women are likely to have trouble experiencing an orgasim. Sadly, too many women just accept this is how they are, and fail to see they can have one, if they try a few things differently. Not once was this subject brought up. In evangelical circles, often times the ideas of doing things 'differently' is a concern. Is this, this, or that, even right for a christian to be thinking of, let alone doing?

A neighbor friend once spoke with me about doing things differently. I have noticed that for some reason, people often seem to feel comfortable opening up to me about personal matters. I have been told things about their life that I'd rather not know. I guess maybe I'm a good listener and I try not to judge people. I will never forget the time I was checking the mail and my neighbor came over to me. We had adjacent townhouses. I knew that she was a workaholic and that her husband went away to their cabin alone on weekends to fish. She admitted she wasn't making much of an effort for alone time. She told me the following, "one morning, I woke up and he's standing in my bedroom naked, wanting sex. I knew it had been a few months, so I couldn't push him away again." She said shared more graphic details then that. After getting over the horrendous mental image of this womans husband nekkid, standing in her room, (yes, separate rooms due to her snoring) I said something like, "oh my." At the time, I couldn't think of anything else to say. Ewww, seemed a little insensitive. Basically she had become so frustrated at not enjoying sex at all that she just avoided it. She was raised a 'good Lutheran' and told me she felt a bit dirty trying to meet his 'needs', even though she felt it was 'wrong' to deny him. So one day she comes over, and finally tells me that she has never had an orgasm. She is in her mid 30's and she's whispering to me, "I have heard that if a woman self pleasures, she might be able to have one and figure out have to have one during sex. I was thinking about, she's whispering even softer by this point, getting something to help. What do you think? Is this wrong? How do I go about it?"

I should mention, we are standing between her garage and mine, and she nervously starts fumbling through some preschool curriculum in boxes. I began to help her as I felt less eye contact would be nice considering how awkard she felt. I told her I didn't think it's wrong to try and make this area of her marriage better, but I knew nothing about the toys or whether or not "self pleasuring" was wrong. She was on her own there. She was flat out disappointed with sex. I really wish I had the resources I have now to print out for her at the time. She just kept turning him away because it was extremely unsatisfying and unappealing to her. He had no idea though, and he should know. After all, I think most men want to satisfy their wives. Don't they? Isn't it a turn on for them when his wife is turned on?

For her, it was being too shy and inhibited to talk about it, let alone admit she's not getting anything out of it. It was her 'wifely duty'. She felt so desparate and frustrated, she actually starting pouring her heart out to me, a neighbor! She also had a need, and wanted better sex, but didn't know how to get it. Here is a great article, if you are really struggling with the issue of what is 'permitted' as a Christian wife. I just want to say, that I'm not going to agree with %100 of everything in the links, like these authors are the end all, know it all, about what is best for you. One of the questions that has been brought up a lot is oral sex. Ah, surely, some of you are blushing by now I am sure. The above article does mention the topic of oral sex between a married couple. You can go look, it's OK.

I want to recommend a different website, The Marriage Bed. It is a Christian site. However, they are frank and some of you are going to read through the pages and be a bit uncomfortable. Maybe not. Again, I'm not going to say I think everything they say is %100 perfect, as I haven't even read every inch of their website. I really do think this site is a great start though for couples truly learning to experience satisfying love-making. If you have heard the expression, 'that was almost as good as great sex', and you can't figure out what the big deal is, then I hope by being so open and person, you'll start to pursue the answers for yourself. One thing I like about The Marriage Bed is it discusses a lot of the questions many are embarrassed to ask. If Anna had this resource back then maybe she wouldn't have been whispering abouther dispointments to a friendly neighbor. Topics such as abstinance before marriage, tips for the clueless bride and groom, sex during pregnancy, non sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy, biology, romance, toys, variation, and dysfunction are covered. There is so much more information there making it TMB, probably one of the most comprehensive Christian sexuality websites. I wish more woman could be open and supportive with each other when it comes to the sex. Women have needs too and it's OK try and make sure they're met.

Everyone can stop blushing now.